Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Confessions of a 20 Something: I can't follow all the rules of how to be a single, Godly woman.

I have a confession: I can’t follow all the rules of how to be a single, Godly woman.

I don’t know about you but to me, following all the rules of who a single woman of God is supposed to be, and how she is supposed to act… is exhausting.

I want to be married. That is a desire of my heart. And I believe God put that desire there. Yet for me, it just isn’t time, and I trust that.

Until that time comes, it seems almost everyone has an opinion on how a woman of God, should act while single. And most of it is just plain confusing.

Play hard to get---but be available to be pursued.

Be outgoing---but be mysterious.

Be beautiful---but it’s more than just physical beauty.

Learn to trust others and seek help---but “guard your heart”.

What does all that even mean?

Over the summer, I did Andy Stanley’s study on The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating. The biggest point he tried to convey is relationships are not a fairy tale, they’re work. And the best thing we can do to prepare for a relationship, and to prepare for marriage, is to be intentional and become the person we are looking for, is looking for.

Awesome advice.  And a complete 180 from society’s view of “just wait for prince charming to show up”.

But more and more of what I read about dating, love, relationships, etc.. comes back to those 4 above mentioned things that I as a woman “can do”.

As a woman of God, what does playing hard to get look like?

I don’t think this means telling a guy that I can’t go out for coffee because I need to wash my hair.

I think it’s more along the lines of waiting for him to ask you.
I can only imagine what a guy would think if I were to ask him to hang out every free moment I had. Desperate, clingy, and obnoxious are the first words to pop into my head.

But if I'm confessing things, sometimes I wish I could just ask the guy out. It gets tiring waiting around, and we’ve already established that I struggle with patience.

I don't though. BTW. 

The bible doesn’t say: “The man is the pursuer. The woman is the one who should wait around and be pursued.”  Every love story in the bible however, resembles this model. I don’t want a man that I have to ask out. I want him to “woo” me. I want him to seek me. I want to be pursued.

Be outgoing—but be mysterious.

This one. Have mercy.

I am very outgoing. I love to laugh and get to know people. I am shy at first, but I love love love to talk to people! 

There is a very fine line we must walk though when it comes to the opposite sex.

Let him ask you questions. Let him pursue you. Be outgoing. Be witty. Be funny! But allow him to WANT to know more.

Sometimes I just want to bust at the seams to tell a guy something about myself--especially when it is relevant to the conversation. I have to remind myself though that once it’s out there, it’s never going back.

Like toothpaste. Once you squeeze it all out of the tube, how on earth could you possibly get it back in? Too much, too fast can lead to disaster.

This plays along with guard your heart.

I long for that intimacy of someone truly knowing me and knowing my heart, how I operate.

But would I want my future husband seeking that kind of a relationship with anyone other than me?


So why would I give that away?

If I’m guarding my heart, if I’m keeping quiet even when I don’t want to… Mystery remains. And someone, (aka my future husband), is going to be attracted to that. And want to know more. Hopefully then, pursuing me!

Be beautiful—but it’s more than just physical beauty.

I’m glad it’s more than physical beauty.

Is it ok to say that?

In our culture, looks are everything! We hear all the time how men are visual creatures and with every magazine, movie, model, musical artist out there looking like a goddess, it’s a struggle to have self confidence. 

I have no confidence that I alone can attract my future husband.

I love to work out and be active. I like to look fashionable and pretty. Find me a girl who doesn’t.

But if we are going on JUST physical beauty—nothing else, I will lose that race.

I love Jesus. My desire is that He will shine through my every fiber and being. Even through my physical beauty.

My dad and grandmother used to always tell me growing up: "Pretty is, as pretty does." I've always liked to think this goes along with Peter saying that a gentle and quiet spirit of a woman is most precious to the Lord, NOT our outward appearance. (Just a bit more southern.) 

My confidence comes from the fact that I love Jesus Christ. And what He has done for me. And who I am in Him.

With all the rules, with all the stipulations and ways that I should act as a single, Godly woman, I have figured out it really has nothing to do with me.

I am weak and cannot do this on my own.

The more I seek after Jesus, the more I desire Him, the more I ask Him to transform me into the Godly woman that will please Him; I find confidence in the fact that my future husband will be attracted to only me.

I can’t do it on my own. Frankly, I don’t want to.

Thankfully, I don’t have to.


  1. I just read your article after being directed from Ally's confession blog section and I must say that I was nodding my head in agreement with about every sentence you wrote. And the crazy thing is that I just finished listening to Andy's new take on dating the week before last and I loved much of what he had to say. I'm 27 and thought I had found the man I was going to marry, and I appear to have been wrong and it is hard and frustrating to see love happen to those around me and wonder why it's taking me so long and why it's so hard to wait on the Lord's timing. Sorry for the long reply, but I really appreciated your confession.

  2. Amber, I'm so glad you could relate! It's tough being single and waiting on God. I'm no expert on it. But I can relate to you in watching it happen around you... You should read my other blog Love is Patient. It helps remind me that while we may have to watch others, we can watch God and know He'll take care of us:) Thank you for reading and relating! We have to stick together:)

  3. I am right there with you! I don't know how to wade through all the rules and make sure I am doing what I "should be" or whatever. But, I know God placed this desire in me, and I know that in God's time, I will be brought into the life of the one I will love. And, along the way, I will become the one this man wants to pursue :o)
    Great post!

  4. I think I thought to myself "Amen!" about 20 times while i was reading this haha i agree. thank you for posting this and he is worth the wait! let us (as sisters in Christ) encourage each other in patience and trust in the Lord's timing! The last thing I want to do is wait, but hey, it's not about me anyway :) Thank you & God Bless!

  5. I found your post via Ally Spotts Confessions blog...

    And can I just say that you pretty much described everything I've felt and am feeling the T. Almost scarily so in that I could have written this myself.

    I have an especially hard time with the 'staying mysterious & being pursued' every fiber of me cries to be pursued, but my will screams that the guy is never. going. to. make. a move.... so much frustration, yet I know God's plan is best...

  6. Wow! I've struggled with knowing the same things, and unfortunately not understanding any of it led me to doing things I never should have. I went about everything in all the wrong ways and it got me into some trouble. :/ But I'm trying desperately to get back on the right track and this is definitely going to help so thanks. :)

  7. Everything you put out there are thoughts that like to run around in my mind and heart, and sometimes choose marathons and wear me out.
    I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man who loves God, but I still have my struggles. I want to keep my heart's focus on God; I want to know His heart and go on a journey with Him to know what it means to be a woman after His heart. I've been re-reading Captivating (sooo good), and also the sermon series on Ruth by Mark Driscoll were really good! (

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart.

  8. This is the first time I'm seeing one of your blogs - my friend posted the link on my Facebook profile.
    You mentioned everything that I know that I struggle will. Thank you so much for sharing a part of you with us.

  9. Hi Diana,

    I got a link on Ally's site to this and I clicked on it because I do face frustration on that part. I just left a relationship that I was really hoping would be the one I've been praying for, and it is saddening but I am just going back to the important thing: Jesus. Getting a lot of cliches is really just plain confusing at times and relationships are really complicated and take a lot of work! This reached out to me, because I was scolded for trusting too easily and loving "too much" so this really helps. Thanks and sorry for the lengthy message!


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