Monday, October 8, 2012

And Suddenly Everything Has Changed...

I've been saying since I started this blog I felt God moving, preparing, shaking things up in my life.

And I've been telling my friends and my family for probably close to 4 years that I felt like God had pushed “PAUSE” on my life.

Externally, I was pretty much the same, minus a hair color change and a couple of moves.

Internally, I don’t look anything like I did 4 years ago.

My cracks are healing quite nicely.
My heart has been learning what love and grace really stand for.
My body’s constantly learning that it is not my enemy.
My mind is learning things my heart has known for a while, just didn't want to believe.

I found an outlet to serve. And crazily enough… people related to me and to my words and my heart.

I found out who I was.
I found out that I was blessed beyond measure.

And ultimately, I settled in to life as I knew it, and got comfortable.

And for me, that right there is a recipe for a complete life shift.

God has always delighted in teaching me things, allowing me to become comfortable in that thought, and then completely changing my life.

A little over a year ago, I started this blog as a response to a radical prayer I had. 

And it has challenged me beyond belief.

It has challenged me so much so that when I got busy from a job change, and busy from life changes, and scared of everything that was shifting in my life, I decided to stop.

It wasn't really a conscious decision.

Kinda like when you stop talking to an old friend;  it may not be intentional… but it happens.

And then I woke up and realized how much I had missed it and how afraid I had been to start writing again.

Because you see: things have changed.

And I don’t mean changing in a “rearrange your bedroom” kind of change.

I mean the “move across the country and start over” kind of change.

I've spent 4 years becoming an “expert”, or at least really knowledgeable, on being the single girl.

About praying, and waiting, and seeking, and believing that love could happen for me.

WOULD happen for me.

I spent years learning and teaching and growing and taking everything I possibly could in about love and life and relationships and just being a woman of God.

I threw myself into writing, small groups, friends, relationships, my church, and most recently; a new job.

And my life became crazy. But in a good way.

For the most part.

And I grew content, complacent and accepted that this… was my life.

And then I got a random message from a guy I hadn't seen in over a year…

… asking me out for coffee.

And ladies, he asked me out the way I had always thought a woman should be asked out:
 with clarity, with intention, and straightforward.

I had heard of this. I had read about this. I had known that this kind of man COULD ask me out.

But honestly I wasn't expecting it, I felt unprepared, and I felt shaken a little.

Because as much as I had believed and dreamed about it; that it would happen, someday, that someday had shown up.

A concept I had yet to teach my brain about: reality.

And now, 3 months later, we are dating.

Me and The Boyfriend. (As he shall be referred to from hence forth)

And I have a job that has taken most of my life away from me, as well as part of my heart.

Which has challenged, every relationship I have; including the one with The Boyfriend, and my relationship with God.

And to be honest, most days I feel lost.

I’m stumbling around, pretending I know what I’m doing because I read, I prayed, I prepared, I KNEW what I was going to behave like and have all the answers when The Boyfriend finally came along.

And I knew how to handle a crazy job and insanely busy life.

Or I thought I did.

Yet, I find I have more questions than answers.

I find I need God more than ever.

I find that I do not know it all, nor will I ever know it all.

Goals I had set for this year, things I had planned to do, the way I had envisioned my life going…

Well, they maybe didn't happen. They maybe won’t happen.

And I’m ok with that.

Because while I look around at my life and realize that suddenly, everything has changed,
I realize I am learning more and more about grace, patience, love, and God.

Oh did I mention I also have a roommate now?

And The Boyfriend’s dog is currently living with me too?


Life is different.

In a crazy, unexpected, push-me-out-of-my-comfort-zone, make-me-pull-my-hair-out, laughing-until-I’m-crying, beautiful, this-is-a-dream-someone-pinch-me, heart-bursting-with-joy, no-road-map kinda way.

For the first time in almost 4 years, I feel like God just pushed “PLAY".

So as I move into my favorite season of the year.. I also move into a brand new season of my life...

Here goes nothing. 

PS that's not me but how awesome would it be if it was?!