Wednesday, June 27, 2012


I read a story the other night in Mark 9 about a little boy who was plagued with demons his whole life.

Finally, the father takes his son to Jesus and begs him to help Him IF He can.

I couldn’t get past the word “if”…

Probably because I use that word. A lot. 

Any of your prayers ever look like this

“Father, if it is your will, please bring me a husband..” 

Ok maybe you aren't asking for a husband. But I'm gonna bet if you put something else in for husband, we'd have a winner. 

Anyways, Jesus goes on to say “Anything is possible if a person believes.”

And the father replies with.. “I do believe! But help me overcome my unbelief

That sounds pretty much like every prayer I prayed for the last 3 months.


Am I the only one that has had that horrific heart-hardening disease of unbelief?

Like your heart has been injected with selfishness and bitterness and greed?

It’s not that anything is wrong, but at the same time… everything is wrong.

You look in the mirror and cannot see the person who loves Jesus.

All you see is a person who is bitter and angry and hurt.

So you turn away.

Because looking reminds you that you’ve run so far you feel like you could never get back.

It’s just easier to pretend it isn’t there. That God’s not there.

He apparently doesn’t care right now anyways.

Maybe someone hurt you. Betrayed you. Left you. Misused you.

Maybe life handed you a seriously crappy hand. Those dreams you always had for your life? Gone in an instant.

Maybe you’re alone. Physically. Emotionally. Literally.

Maybe everyone else around you can praise God so easily while something inside of you is screaming that it hurts.

So this is what you do...

Sometimes you fake it. You pretend you’re fine. You go to church. You hang out with friends. Heck you even read the bible. 

You maybe share with a friend that your grace filled heart has now turned to stone.

But at the end of the day, that bitterness and anger has hardened your heart so badly there is no way that anyone, anything, especially God could break through and make you who you were.

When people tell you that it will get better, that prayer and patience is the answer, you not only scoff… you kind of want to punch them..

I don’t know that there is an answer to this kind of brokenness.

Well one you want to hear.

Because the answer is Jesus.

And I’m laughing as I write that because 2 months ago, I would have punched myself for even CONSIDERING writing something about this.

But that’s also why I wasn’t writing.

Or answering emails.

Or reading my bible.

Or believeing that Jesus was the answer.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I cried out for God day and night. Angrily.

Asking Him what on earth I had done to end up here.

Because you may not know this, and this may piss you off, but in that moment… you could care less about God.

It’s all about you.

What’s happened to you.

Where you are.

How you feel.

What you don’t have.

Why you can’t be like them.

God’s plan? Forget it. You don’t want any part of it unless you get something you want.

It’s selfish. It’s greed. It’s pride.

It’s not of God.

I kept crying out for God to remove my sin, because something in my heart was so hard that it kept me from life.

It was so painful.

Yet, it couldn’t be removed.

Because I couldn’t see that it had nothing to do with anything I was doingbut the attitude I had been choosing. 

And I can’t tell you that I prayed for my selfishness to go away one time and it did.

It did not.

If anything I may have revolted even more.

But little by little, moment by moment, verse by verse and prayer by prayer… God chipped away at the hardened outer layer of stone on my heart.

Over time, it became easier to listen to worship music without thinking “this is ridiculous, these people obviously meant for this to be sung when you were happy..” 

It became easier to talk about God and His love. 

And even more so, it became easier to LISTEN about God and His love.

It became less about my happiness.

Not that I don’t still feel the way I do.

I’d be lying if some days I didn’t tell you I didn’t wake up and think.. “Can I have a husband today?”

Because I do.

A lot.

But I keep praying.

I pray that God’s love and grace will be enough.

Actually, I pray that it’ll be more than enough.

And for the most part it is.

It’s overwhelming.

And on the days its not, I pray for God to help me overcome my unbelief. 

So the moral of the story is this: don't give up... don't stop seeking grace... cry out for God to overcome your unbelief. 

It'll take time. But those walls will fall and your heart will soften with each verse, song, and drop of grace that will pour over you. 

I’m so thankful for a God that is not like us. That does not have moments of hardness and bitterness towards us.

And I’m thankful for grace. And peace. And love.

That’s when I need it most. And it’s the only thing that opens my heart. 

It what helps me overcome my unbelief.