Actually, let’s be honest, it’s been a rough week. Bit of a rollercoaster. One of the big ones.
About 95% of the time, I am confident in where God has put me and can look back in gratefulness at His faithfulness and workings in my life.
But when it’s a really, really rough day… I just want to cry.
I like to call it the “blah-funk”.
It’s not that anything is necessarily wrong.
It’s just there is this ache...
Oh, the ache...
Deep down in your soul, it seems no one can understand. Even if they are your best friend and they are going through the same thing. This ache is overwhelming. It hurts in places you didn’t know you had. It cuts in to every insecurity you have ever had about yourself.
It leaves you with the thought of wanting give into listening to that song that makes you cry, watch that movie that almost hurts, tell yourself “you’ll never be good enough” over and over again… because Satan wants you to stay right there; believing all the awful lies he is telling your precious spirit.
I’m well aware of that feeling. I know it all too well. Me and that feeling? We were best friends for a long time.
And Satan loves to remind me of that.
It is hard to give up insecurity. It is hard when that ache is throbbing in your heart, to remind myself that my confidence, my hope is in Jesus Christ. It is not in the things of this world or even in my own being and strength.
I am on a balance beam.
I have been for a long time.
Some days, I can do flips and jumps and sprint forward with the plans God has laid on my heart that He wants me to do for Him.
But this week… This week I looked down from my balance beam and realized, if I fall… I do not know what will happen or where I will land.
On top of that, it will probably hurt. A lot.
I am usually a pretty steady and stable person. This week, I started shaking. And when I started shaking, I looked down.
What happens when we look down is we get uncomfortable, and we decide we want to sit and just not go forward.
I’ll be honest; right now I don’t want to go forward because I can’t see.
I can’t see His plans for me and I’m not sure what is going on in front of me.
I’m in this place where I’m not comfortable, where I’m semi-starting over, where I’m out of my comfort zone, where the unexpected and the unknown are lurking around every single turn and are in every single corner.
And I’m scared.
I wish I knew what was ahead.
Here is fact, here is truth, here is reality.
God is El Roi—The God Who Sees.
He is Jehovah Jireh—The God Who Provides.
I sat down today on my balance beam. I sat and cried. I don’t see and I don’t understand. I am in waiting, I am weary, and I am tired.
I went home on my lunch break to do some laundry. I like to drive and talk to God, so that’s what I did.
One of my favorite things about home is my prayer wall with Scripture and words of insight and encouragement. I use it to help me keep God the main focus of my life.
On that wall, I read this scripture:
“But Moses told the people, ‘Do not be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14:13-14
I first thought maybe I was just supposed to share this verse with my brother, as we had been talking most of the morning and I was seeking prayerfully for a way to encourage him in God’s word.
On my drive back to the office, Matthew West’s song “Strong Enough” came on the radio and I lost it. I mean, it was one of those ugly, may-need-to-pull-over-on-the-side-of-the-road cries. I feel like SUCH A GIRL when I do that. It’s awful.
And then the station (WAY-FM) played the Word on the Way (daily bible verse) of the day.
Two guesses what the verse was. Hint: see verse I just posted.
I’m not going to be all Positive Polly and tell you my ache went away.
However, I stopped crying.
God sees. God hears. God will provide. Even when I have no idea.
I picked myself up from sitting on my balance beam staring downward; wondering what would happen if I fell off.
I’m starting to walk forward again keeping my eyes on Jesus, the perfecter of our faith.
I’m not strong enough, but I’m pleading with Him to be. And I know, without a doubt, He will be.
“Do not grieve, for the Joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10
“So we fix our eyes upon not what is seen, but what is unseen. What is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 2:18