The Aches of a Life on a Balance Beam

Today is a rough day.

Actually, let’s be honest, it’s been a rough week. Bit of a rollercoaster. One of the big ones.

About 95% of the time, I am confident in where God has put me and can look back in gratefulness at His faithfulness and workings in my life.

But when it’s a really, really rough day… I just want to cry.

I like to call it the “blah-funk”.

It’s not that anything is necessarily wrong.

It’s just there is this ache...

Oh, the ache...

Deep down in your soul, it seems no one can understand. Even if they are your best friend and they are going through the same thing. This ache is overwhelming. It hurts in places you didn’t know you had. It cuts in to every insecurity you have ever had about yourself.

It leaves you with the thought of wanting give into listening to that song that makes you cry, watch that movie that almost hurts, tell yourself “you’ll never be good enough” over and over again… because Satan wants you to stay right there; believing all the awful lies he is telling your precious spirit.

I’m well aware of that feeling. I know it all too well. Me and that feeling? We were best friends for a long time.

And Satan loves to remind me of that.

It is hard to give up insecurity. It is hard when that ache is throbbing in your heart, to remind myself that my confidence, my hope is in Jesus Christ. It is not in the things of this world or even in my own being and strength.

I am on a balance beam.

I have been for a long time.

Some days, I can do flips and jumps and sprint forward with the plans God has laid on my heart that He wants me to do for Him.

But this week… This week I looked down from my balance beam and realized, if I fall… I do not know what will happen or where I will land.

On top of that, it will probably hurt. A lot.

I am usually a pretty steady and stable person. This week, I started shaking. And when I started shaking, I looked down.

What happens when we look down is we get uncomfortable, and we decide we want to sit and just not go forward.

I’ll be honest; right now I don’t want to go forward because I can’t see.

I can’t see His plans for me and I’m not sure what is going on in front of me.

I’m in this place where I’m not comfortable, where I’m semi-starting over, where I’m out of my comfort zone, where the unexpected and the unknown are lurking around every single turn and are in every single corner.

And I’m scared.

I’m shaky.

I wish I knew what was ahead.

Here is fact, here is truth, here is reality.

God is El Roi—The God Who Sees.

He is Jehovah Jireh—The God Who Provides.

I sat down today on my balance beam. I sat and cried. I don’t see and I don’t understand. I am in waiting, I am weary, and I am tired.

I went home on my lunch break to do some laundry. I like to drive and talk to God, so that’s what I did.

One of my favorite things about home is my prayer wall with Scripture and words of insight and encouragement. I use it to help me keep God the main focus of my life.

On that wall, I read this scripture:

“But Moses told the people, ‘Do not be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14:13-14

I first thought maybe I was just supposed to share this verse with my brother, as we had been talking most of the morning and I was seeking prayerfully for a way to encourage him in God’s word.

On my drive back to the office, Matthew West’s song “Strong Enough” came on the radio and I lost it. I mean, it was one of those ugly, may-need-to-pull-over-on-the-side-of-the-road cries. I feel like SUCH A GIRL when I do that. It’s awful.

And then the station (WAY-FM) played the Word on the Way (daily bible verse) of the day.

Two guesses what the verse was. Hint: see verse I just posted.

I’m not going to be all Positive Polly and tell you my ache went away.

It didn’t.

However, I stopped crying.

God sees. God hears. God will provide. Even when I have no idea.

I picked myself up from sitting on my balance beam staring downward; wondering what would happen if I fell off.

I’m starting to walk forward again keeping my eyes on Jesus, the perfecter of our faith.

I’m not strong enough, but I’m pleading with Him to be. And I know, without a doubt, He will be.

“Do not grieve, for the Joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

“So we fix our eyes upon not what is seen, but what is unseen. What is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 2:18 

Fun Stuff and Friday Favorites

I usually end up sharing about 4 or 5 different things that I find throughout the week on Facebook, whether it be other blogs, videos, what not. SO I decided to do a collection of things that I am IN LOVE with this week and think you should go read, look at, pass along, cry over.. whatever you feel led to do.

Some of these are oldies but goodies that I read about once a month just because it touched me so deeply, some are ones that are new this week.

1) The Stuff of Good Relationships: Confrontation and Commitment 
      First: I love love love her writing.
      B: She writes this amazing piece on doing something to hurt a friend and how she and said friend overcame it. I teared up a little when I read this. Friendships are SO NOT PERFECT. We are all going to make mistakes and hurt each other. The point is to be able to talk about it healthily and work through it together. Be committed to the friendship. True friends do that. Just the same as it should work in a relationship too.

2) The 5 Pillars of Manhood
    --I'm a little out of my element on this one; I realize this. I am a single woman. However, there is so much truth written here that  women of God can identify. And its genuinely meant as an encouragement to the men in my life and even men I don't know who will read this.

"Men take the lead, protect at all costs, provide in every way, live by your word and live a life of adventure with the Holy Spirit — obey God, not man and you will be the man of God you were created to be — and your woman will love you for it."

As a woman, I'll vouch for that every day of the week. 

3) How to Fall in Love with Jesus

   --Beautifully written and so very true. I just talked with my youth girls Sunday about having a TRUE relationship with Jesus and how just indescribably awesome it is. THIS is how you get that relationship. 

4) Dayenu: It would have been enough
  --This post brought me to tears. Literally. We live in the reality of God's goodness and God's promises fulfilled through Jesus Christ. Why isn't that enough? And if He did nothing more, would that be enough for our praise and trust?

Also the picture at the bottom of that one melts my heart.. and kinda makes me wanna go to Africa and bring her home with me.

I love finding new stuff--so if you have something you wanna share, send it to me. I'd love to read it and share with you!

Standing on the Edge

Do you ever get that feeling that EVERYTHING as you know it, is about to change?

I’ve had that feeling once or twice in my life, and it’s completely nerve wracking.

                            What if I’m comfortable?

                What if I like things just the way they are?

I don’t know what’s coming next, and that’s really scary.

Really. Scary.

Have you ever been there??

Yeah... That's where I stand now. On the edge. 

Last week, I had the thought while getting ready for work: “I’m happy. I’m content. Life is good. Life is comfortable.”

I was actually putting on eye make-up and the second those thoughts passed… I dropped my mascara wand in the sink.

I looked at myself in the mirror for a second.

“Crap.”

In that moment I felt like God was standing right behind me, smiling and looking in the mirror with me, saying:

                                     “Don’t get comfortable.”

I know He was smiling. He delights in moving me out of my comfort zone.

It’s when I’m out of my box, kind of stumbling around in the unknown that He knows I don’t have anywhere else to turn except to Him.

The last time I had this feeling, I was pretty much spot on. Everything changed. And I was a complete wreck the entire process.

I was scared before-hand, when I knew it was coming. I was anxious and panicky while in the middle of it. And I was sad after it.

There is a difference this time around though.

I am not an Anxious Annie. I still have my moments where I do wish we could get our timelines to coordinate a little bit better. But this time, there is such an incredible peace.

I know that whatever happens, whatever changes are about to come my way—This is God’s will for my life.

Do I have wishes and hopes for what He does? You better believe I do.

For this season of change that is coming, I’m dreaming big. God tells me to. He is worthy of our dreaming big; that is His character. Our duty and calling, is to live big with what He gives us. 

I’m excited to see where God is taking me. I want to do His will. I want to serve Him. I want to go where He leads me.

I’m still a little scared.

I’d be lying if I just told you I was "happy as a clam"* and had a “come what may” attitude 24/7.

There are a lot of unknowns out there. Including the fact NOTHING may change.

I have to be ok with that.

I can get nervous. I can worry. I can freak out all I want.

I will be a miserable, fearful person.

“Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the Godly to slip and fall.” (Psalm 55:22)

It’s a constant struggle to actually do this. This isn’t a one-time act of “ok, I gave You this; done and done.”

It is a daily battle to not think about what I’m scared of, to not worry about if God is going to show up, to not tremble when Satan tries to tell me no one sees, no one cares.

“Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments.” (Deuteronomy 7:9)

God loves me.

Diana Ruth. Me.

God wants nothing but good for my life and for this life to bring glory to Him.

He sees me. He knows I’m scared. He knows I don’t know what is coming. He is faithful in continuing a good work that He, Himself started in me. 

It is up to me to acknowledge His presence in my life and let Him lead.

I’m standing on the edge.

If I jump, I have no control over what happens next.

If I just stand there, I’ll never experience what is coming next.

I could be afraid to take that leap.

But...

I’m going to choose to jump. I’m pressing on. He’s been training me for such a time as this.

I’m still not sure what race I am actually running, but now is not the time to quit.

It’s time to run harder than I’ve ever run in my life. It’s time to press into Jesus. It’s time to put my money where my mouth is and have faith and courage that my God loves me, is faithful and will provide and take care of me.

“Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.” (Hebrews 12:1b-2a).








*What does "happy as clam" really even mean? 10 points if you can tell me. 

Confessions of a 20 Something: I can't follow all the rules of how to be a single, Godly woman.

I have a confession: I can’t follow all the rules of how to be a single, Godly woman.

I don’t know about you but to me, following all the rules of who a single woman of God is supposed to be, and how she is supposed to act… is exhausting.

I want to be married. That is a desire of my heart. And I believe God put that desire there. Yet for me, it just isn’t time, and I trust that.

Until that time comes, it seems almost everyone has an opinion on how a woman of God, should act while single. And most of it is just plain confusing.

Play hard to get---but be available to be pursued.

Be outgoing---but be mysterious.

Be beautiful---but it’s more than just physical beauty.

Learn to trust others and seek help---but “guard your heart”.

What does all that even mean?

Over the summer, I did Andy Stanley’s study on The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating. The biggest point he tried to convey is relationships are not a fairy tale, they’re work. And the best thing we can do to prepare for a relationship, and to prepare for marriage, is to be intentional and become the person we are looking for, is looking for.

Awesome advice.  And a complete 180 from society’s view of “just wait for prince charming to show up”.

But more and more of what I read about dating, love, relationships, etc.. comes back to those 4 above mentioned things that I as a woman “can do”.

As a woman of God, what does playing hard to get look like?

I don’t think this means telling a guy that I can’t go out for coffee because I need to wash my hair.

I think it’s more along the lines of waiting for him to ask you.

I can only imagine what a guy would think if I were to ask him to hang out every free moment I had. Desperate, clingy, and obnoxious are the first words to pop into my head.

But if I'm confessing things, sometimes I wish I could just ask the guy out. It gets tiring waiting around, and we’ve already established that I struggle with patience.

I don't though. BTW. 

The bible doesn’t say: “The man is the pursuer. The woman is the one who should wait around and be pursued.”  Every love story in the bible however, resembles this model. I don’t want a man that I have to ask out. I want him to “woo” me. I want him to seek me. I want to be pursued.

Be outgoing—but be mysterious.

This one. Have mercy.

I am very outgoing. I love to laugh and get to know people. I am shy at first, but I love love love to talk to people! 

There is a very fine line we must walk though when it comes to the opposite sex.

Let him ask you questions. Let him pursue you. Be outgoing. Be witty. Be funny! But allow him to WANT to know more.

Sometimes I just want to bust at the seams to tell a guy something about myself--especially when it is relevant to the conversation. I have to remind myself though that once it’s out there, it’s never going back.

Like toothpaste. Once you squeeze it all out of the tube, how on earth could you possibly get it back in? Too much, too fast can lead to disaster.

This plays along with guard your heart.

I long for that intimacy of someone truly knowing me and knowing my heart, how I operate.

But would I want my future husband seeking that kind of a relationship with anyone other than me?

HECK. NO.

So why would I give that away?

If I’m guarding my heart, if I’m keeping quiet even when I don’t want to… Mystery remains. And someone, (aka my future husband), is going to be attracted to that. And want to know more. Hopefully then, pursuing me!

Be beautiful—but it’s more than just physical beauty.

I’m glad it’s more than physical beauty.

Is it ok to say that?

In our culture, looks are everything! We hear all the time how men are visual creatures and with every magazine, movie, model, musical artist out there looking like a goddess, it’s a struggle to have self confidence. 

I have no confidence that I alone can attract my future husband.

I love to work out and be active. I like to look fashionable and pretty. Find me a girl who doesn’t.

But if we are going on JUST physical beauty—nothing else, I will lose that race.

I love Jesus. My desire is that He will shine through my every fiber and being. Even through my physical beauty.

My dad and grandmother used to always tell me growing up: "Pretty is, as pretty does." I've always liked to think this goes along with Peter saying that a gentle and quiet spirit of a woman is most precious to the Lord, NOT our outward appearance. (Just a bit more southern.) 

My confidence comes from the fact that I love Jesus Christ. And what He has done for me. And who I am in Him.

With all the rules, with all the stipulations and ways that I should act as a single, Godly woman, I have figured out it really has nothing to do with me.

I am weak and cannot do this on my own.

The more I seek after Jesus, the more I desire Him, the more I ask Him to transform me into the Godly woman that will please Him; I find confidence in the fact that my future husband will be attracted to only me.

I can’t do it on my own. Frankly, I don’t want to.

Thankfully, I don’t have to.

“”My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me.’”