Be Still My Heart...

I’m a passionate person. 

I have led with my heart since before I can even remember.

I hated, HATED, movies that involved animals when I was little because inevitably--they got hurt in some way or another--and I ended up in a puddle of tears, begging my mom to turn it off. 

I was devastated every time one of my hamsters died. I’m fairly certain we held a funeral for almost a dozen hamsters in my childhood. 

My poor parents. 

I had more barbies, baby dolls and stuffed animals than most of my friends combined.

I wanted to take care of them all. 

In my heart of hearts, love and passion spill out of every single part of me.  

And that isn’t a bad thing. 

I think that is what has led me to the job that I have now.. that led me to a career path that would allow me to chase my ideal fantasies of "changing the world"... that led me to writing to share my heart with your heart. 

However the heart is tricky. 

REAL tricky.

My heart is where I keep all things sacred. 

My fears. My hopes. My longings. 

My joys. My sorrows. My love.

It has been bruised and torn apart.

It has been tactfully and beautifully put back together.

So then what do I do with my heart now? 

Some days, I fear that as a single woman who has been told to keep my heart completely guarded, that I will flee from the idea of allowing my heart to feel anything.

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel things at extraordinary lengths. 

Sometimes too much so.

The people in my life make my heart burst with love sometimes.

Serving God, makes me truly fall in love with Him. 

I rejoice and ache with every story and lesson God teaches every girl that I’m so blessed to share stories and thoughts with.

And knowing more about Him opens up parts of my heart I didn’t know were there.

But deep down, there is this little fear... 

“Will I know it when it hits me? How can I trust myself? I’ve built these walls...”

A heart is wicked and deceitful above all else.

Oh my goodness, how many times we are told this verse as single people!!!

Truth: I am afraid to trust my heart. 

My heart, some days, tells me things that I know are not true. 

Yet the truth is not changed due to my lack of belief. 

So God is teaching me.

He’s teaching me that my heart... my heart... is good. 

My heart is NOT wicked and deceitful. 

My heart is a tool that He willingly uses to lead me closer to things of Him.

A heart surrendered to God and His will is never a bad thing.

It’s when we let the heart take reign of our lives outside of God that we find trouble.

I’m worried I’ll make a wrong decision.

I’m worried I’ll get distracted from what God wants for me.

I’m worried I’ll pick the wrong thing, pick the wrong person, not be able to trust my heart or myself.

Truth is though, God can use my heart to lead me to the right place, to the right moment, to the right path, to the right person, and inevitably to HIM. 

He has done it in the past. 

It all comes back to surrender. To realizing you can’t do it alone. That you don’t want to control your heart. And you’re willing to not control your heart. 

Delight yourself in Him. The desires of your heart will then align to be His.

And He is good. And He is loving. And He won’t let your heart lead you anywhere He can’t reach.