Monday, January 30, 2012

A Single Girl's Act of Surrender

Every girl dreams of her wedding day.

Even the girls who are single and living a life surrendered to Christ.

Don't let the fact that we are Christian women fool you.

Wedding day dreams are something that are ingrained in us at an early age.

You can blame Disney if you want to.

You can blame Taylor Swift even.

But at the end of the day, its just something that is rooted deep down in our heart: a longing and a desire for romance, love, and happily ever after.

I've thought about it.

A lot more than I care to admit it.

Honestly, on the days that I fighting the desire to be married and fighting Satan's lies to me that I am never going to be married or I missed my chance… the radio, the TV, the the worst place to be.

You can't turn on the radio without some good looking guy singing about how he would love you right. Or maybe a girl who's talking about how much she loves her ever-so-perfect man.

You can't watch TBS, E!, or USA.. I mean how many times can you show Sweet Home Alabama in one day? (And trust me, I love it so much, I'll watch it every time. Show some respect.)

At some point in the last 4 years, I've realized what the world does to my view of romance, love and even, my longing.

The wedding business is BOOMING. I counted 5 shows on last night that were just about weddings and dresses and who's was more elaborate and on and on it went. You get the picture.


But I'm still a girl. Hence this story.

I've still thought about it. I fight it. Some days I win. Some days I loose.

I've rethought about what my wedding will be like, a million different ways and its evolved as I have gotten older.

There is one thing when I picture my wedding though that has never changed. Seriously. 25 years.

My hair.

Go ahead. Laugh it up. Tell me how silly and ridiculous and insignificant that sounds.

It's still true.

I wanted long, gorgeous hair for my wedding.

Curled. Half up. Long layers. Something fun and pretty. Effortless looking. 


I gave up my desperate need, want, and gut wrenching-overwhelming-debilitating desire for a husband a few years ago.

(Ladies, if you haven't done it.. email me and I'll walk you through it. You don't wanna walk through another day without doing it. Trust me.)

Even still, I have those moments. Sometimes there are days, weeks, occasionally even a month, where I'm just overcome.

Several months ago, Jesus and I met on the floor of my bed room when my heart was in utter shambles of loneliness. 

I cried and cried and begged and pleaded. I did not understand why He allows me to continue to be single when some days it seems the biggest longing of my heart is to be a wife.

On the opposite end, some days I genuinely like being single. True story.

That night, I did not.

There was not one good thing about being single.

It took till about 3 in the morning, but I finally surrendered to peace.

It was not pretty, it was not easy. It was a true battle of what I wanted versus what God wanted for me. And that is something that is real, raw, painstakingly hard and uggggllllyyy.

So I surrendered. Done and Done. Right?

If the surrender of what I wanted that night, or dozens upon dozens of other nights before that, was done the second I said ok… I wouldn't be writing right now.

Surrender is picking up your cross daily. Surrender is a day-by-day, minute-by-minute, second-by-second, choice-by-choice thing.

And it never gets easier.

I've walked along in life since that night in what I consider perpetual surrender.

Suddenly a couple of weeks ago one night as I got ready to go to bed, God grabbed me and brought something to my attention: my hair.

Here's the deal: I haven't cut my hair in 4 years.

I want long hair for when I get married. So I let it grow. I never cut it more than an inch… maybe two… and I went along in my surrendering.

Hair doesn't count in surrendering. Right?

I didn't think so.

So then why all the sudden, did I feel the need to cut off my long, lovely locks that I had worked so hard for?

Because I wanted them.

I wanted them so badly to be perfect when I met someone. 

By holding on to my locks, I was holding on to what I wanted and not embracing what God wanted.

I had never thought of having short hair when I got married. It's not part of my vision.

It was superficial, it was selfish. It was anything but surrender.

I pushed the thoughts aside. I went on about my life with my long hair, not giving another thought to the fact that I had this nagging feeling inside of me to cut my hair.

Have you ever noticed that when you push something God wants you to do away from you, its like it gets louder and bigger every single day until you acknowledge that it's there?

In the middle of a Friday night, 2:33am to be exact, I made the decision to cut my hair.

Fellas, you're not gonna get this. I can hear you now: "It's a HAIRCUT. Stop being such a girl about this."

To me, this was more than a hair cut. This was a single girl’s physical act of surrendering to God. My dreams, wishes, and longings for a husband were utterly His now.

As I write this, my hair is much shorter.

And I am in love.

I am content.

I am free.

Sometimes we don't notice that something so insignificant can make such a huge difference in our walk with Christ.

I’ve had friends ask me if I feel different or miss my long hair.

I don’t.

It’s more than a haircut. It’s an action. It’s an attitude. It’s a will of surrender and knowing that wether my hair is long or short... no good thing does He withhold.

I pray you have the strength to realize and let go of something in your life you may be holding on to much longer than you need to. It could be something large in your life blocking you from giving God the control over everything you have, or it may be something simple.. you may have not ever even noticed it was there.

Like a haircut.


  1. Thank you so much for sharing this! Surrendering daily is something that's a struggle for me. I grew up always thinking that I'd get married young and have a couple of kids by now. Now I'm almost 26 and some days I wonder if it will ever really happen. I do feel like there are some things in my life that I have been holding on to. Your blog posts are such an encouragement to me!

    1. Cori--thank you! that means so much! And trust me, you are not alone! Take heart in that and that God will never hold something from you that He finds good for you (Psalms 84:11) Rest in that love:) I'm glad I can help--It's truly an honor!

  2. Diana, this was SUCH an encouragement to me! I've had those on the bedroom floor moments....where I felt it was all wrapped up with a bow of peace at the end of the discussion, then randomly, a few months later to be back in that same place. It IS a daily surrender, it's a daily struggle to give it ALL over to God. Some days the struggle is like playing tug with my puppy, other days the struggle feels like I'm trying to move Mt. McKinley, and I struggle to have even the "mustard seed" of faith. I thank you so much for how you eloquently put those emotions that I've battled with into words. This was yet another lesson this week in sacrificing myself to God (I've never been SO hit over the head with a message as I have this past week) UNREAL how GOD is working! Thank you!

    1. Paige! I'm so excited that you can see God working.. sometimes when we are having those "floor" moments, we can't see Him or feel Him or even sometimes believe that He could possibly be working in us but when you come through I had the biggest smile when i read your comment! Keep searching and seeking and let me know if I can be of help! LOVE hearing stories like yours! He is so faithful and so good.. hold on to that even in times when your faith isn't even the size of an atom. Praying for you :)

  3. This was SO good to read and timely. Praise God for your obedience! I know it wasn't easy, but it will be worth it.

    1. Thank you Aimee! You're words are encouraging!! :)


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