Hunkering Down

I don’t even know where to begin.

Part of me wants to tell you that I am confused.

That I do not understand what is going on with my life.

That I am tired.

That I do not feel peace and goodness.

That my joy is gone.

That it hurts.

Yet this is the fact that is laid upon my heart heavily: God is good.

I’m going to tell you a secret though…

I don’t feel that God is good today.

I haven’t for about a week.

However, I KNOW with every fiber in my being, God is Good.

That is fact. It will not change regardless of how I feel. My feelings… do not change God.

I am so thankful for that.

When I feel God’s goodness, it brings me to tears. When I can see Him, when I can feel His workings in my life, it is an indescribable joy that feels my heart.

What happens though, when I can’t feel it?

Well… that also brings me to tears. This time though, it’s the painful kind. The kind where I am on the side of my bed, kneeling, and just repeating over and over through those tears: “God you are God. God you are so very good.”

Because it’s truth. Those tears, those fears and the loneliness of those tears, do not change that truth.

He is good when there is nothing good in me.

I went rafting on Saturday with some friends from my small group.

It was an amazing day, even though by the end I was exhausted and ridiculously cold.

On the last rapid, we were told to “hunker down”, so no one would get thrown from the boat. The rapids were stronger than our boat and our paddling.

After we got to shore and were waiting around, I became so cold. I longed for a blanket, jacket, dry clothes, gust of really warm air--just about anything that would make me warm again.

That is how I long to feel God’s goodness.

I want to wrap myself up in Him and His goodness like a warm blanket when you are drenched from head to toe and your lips are turning blue.

The rapids of confusion that I am feeling right now, are really rough.

They are tossing and turning my emotions, my feelings and my security left and right, and sometimes I can’t seem to stabilize them.

I am hunkering down. Way way down.

I may feel angry, I may feel confused, I may be tired and frustrated and at a loss for words.

But I am in the boat, hunkering down so far, repeating to myself over and over that my God is good. Because while I can’t feel it, the more I say it, the more I focus on it and not on the rapids that are tossing me every which way, the sooner I will feel it and make it to shore safely to wrap up in His goodness.

I don’t doubt His love and goodness. That has never, and I pray never will be, the issue.

The issue is I am a woman who is searching and seeking so hard and yet is confused.

A good friend of mine recently told me that confusion is a good thing, its part of trusting God.

I’m a mess right now. But God has a plan.

And my mess is part of the plan for the moment.

He knows that I am trying really, really hard.

I hate this. I mean really hate it.

I’m sick of feeling shame for feeling this way. It is hard to admit that I don't feel God's goodness because I do know that my feeling just isn't true. It is hard to admit to doubting, to insecurity, to feeling completely inadequate.

I’m tired of feeling like I try so hard and just keep running in circles.

I’m tired of crying.

But He is good. Always.

And I must always, always, always believe that.

I am digging down so deep, so hard, sinking as far down as I possibly can into the truth that God is and always will be good.

The rapids will end and I’ll make it to shore. I genuinely believe that.

Even if I didn’t though, I trust my Father, that He will give me perfect peace to sustain me.

“Here is something I am still sure of: I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am still alive. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14