It's Ok to Not Be Ok

Have you ever seen those Christian skits? 

You know the ones. 

The ones where someone is trapped. All wrapped up in chains. And they can’t break free. 

The chains are usually depression, sadness, alcohol, drugs. 

You know the ones.

But it’s a Christian skit.  

Jesus comes and His love breaks all the chains.

They are actually pretty powerful. Especially if you are wrapped up in chains. 

I’ve seen them a lot in different camps/retreats I’ve been too.

But beyond that, I’ve never given a lot of thought to those skits.

Until now.

Today they are all I have thought about. 

Probably because I have my own chains right now. 

They just do not seem as easy to break as they do in a skit at camp, where at the end of the song, the girl who has been abused is suddenly healed by love.

I have heard a lot about spiritual warfare. Especially in the last 2 or 3 years.

I had never experienced it though. So I didn’t really understand.

Now I do.

I understand that lies are plaguing my mind constantly. 

I understand that I have the worst attitude ever. Towards everything. Even friends. Even church.

I understand that instead of my usual persona of wanting to be with people all the time, I would rather go home, shut off my phone and be alone.

I understand that some days I have no desire at all to go to church or bible study or small group.

I understand that my writing has suffered immensely.

I understand that my ability to mentor young women has been diminished by my own self righteousness.

I understand what it must have been like for Eve in the garden. Believing one little lie... that is all it takes.

I understand night terrors, shame, panic attacks, accountability, and openness. On a whole other level.

And this is why I write tonight. 

Because something, deep down inside of me--where I know the truth is striving to get out, believes that this is bearing fruit... that this... this is what God has called me to do.

I’ve heard before that Satan attacks us the most when we are exactly where God wants us to be. He doesn’t have to try for our soul--he knows that’s not his. 

But he sure as hell can distract us. 

These chains that plague me, that have made these last 3 months... one of the hardest battles I’ve ever fought... aren’t drugs, aren’t alcohol, aren’t even depression all the time. 

They are stress. 

They are business.

They are a hectic life.

They are loneliness.

They are time management.

They are envy.

They are bad attitude.

They are selfishness.

They are singleness.

They are self doubt.

They are little things that when they add all up together, become HUGE things.

Getting in the word, surrendering your heart, checking your motives and your heart and your attitude every single day... that helps. 

Accountability is key. That need to have someone to check on you. Even if it annoys you, and makes you frustrated and makes you ashamed.

Going even when you don’t want to go. Don’t stop your life. Don’t let yourself pull away. This is where the accountability comes in handy.

Try hard--really, really hard--to not snap at your friends and family. They love you. They care.

Shame is the hardest part to overcome. Once I admitted how ashamed I was about how I was feeling.. I was almost sick thinking about the shame Jesus felt for me on a cross.. naked. I want to hide some days. He couldn’t.  #humbled 

It’s ok to not be ok.

And its ok to say that. 

I’m not ok. 

My life is good. My life is some days, so incredible someone should write a book about it. 

But I’m constantly fighting. And I get tired. 

But I have learned, that even though I am so very weak, fighting off these lies and these demons that satan keeps attacking me with... God’s spirit lives inside of me. 

I need Him.

I DESPERATELY need Him.

I need grace. I need my heart changed. I need to be broken. I need love to break these chains. I need faith.

I may be weak. But I know, His spirit is strong in me. 

Even when--especially when--I’m not ok. 

And that’s ok.